I’m not teaching (or however you want to look at this) as a professional, as someone who loved themselves since birth (if that’s you, please write a book), or someone who before hated themselves, but now loves absolutely everything about myself. There’s still several things I don’t like about myself. But I love myself. Now. Before, and during middle and high school, not so much. I was mean to myself. I shamed myself for eating a small cookie. I talked down to myself for being too shy to talk to a single guy at school. I obsessed over my thighs, believing they were huge. I shamed myself for not being as funny, pretty, smart, or sporty like the popular girls. I believed I was less than (almost nothing) because I was comparing myself to others. The popular kids at school, the other cheerleaders on my team, why things seemed to come so easily to her and not me, why they didn’t like me, believing I wasn’t enough. That last one, whooo, kept me twisted for years. And it still does at times.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it scabs them over, but the injury is still there. When it gets hit just right, you bleed. It hurts. The pain, and other painful memories, come rushing back. As well as the painful feelings. Time doesn’t completely heal you. It’s not supposed to. You’re supposed to do that hard work, consistently, on your own. You need to take the journey to make it to the destination. If you don’t take the journey, you won’t get there. You’ll stay exactly where you are. You deserve more.
The first step to loving yourself is simple, but very hard to do at first. It’s believing you are worth more. Believing you are not worthless. You are worth the hard work it will take to get you to a healthier place, mentally and emotionally speaking. Something I’ve recently started doing is writing down and reading affirmations. I’ve also heard they are good to do (just like what I’m telling you here), but seriously, you gotta try this (not drugs, affirmations! But if that’s your jam right now, live your best life!). What I’m saying is, you need to tell your brain how to feel, what to think, and what you believe. Do this regularly and it’ll change things. Right before your eyes. It will take time though, don’t be thinking it’s like a genie’s wish. There’s a buffering time you need to let the information simmer in your brain. Give it a month. Honestly. You can do it. It literally takes 5 minutes at the most.
Want to learn how? Well, you can Google search affirmations, you’ll get a boat load. Or, you can create your own. This may sound like a lot of work to you, or it may be super fun and motivating, I don’t know you (even though I hope for the latter!). It sounded daunting to me too. Especially since I didn’t really know what they were. So, let’s start there:
Affirmation: emotional support or encouragement - Oxford Languages
See? Exactly what we need.
Now, journal out the absolute best version of you. I’m just talking bullets. You really need your imagination for this one. Picture your best life like a movie! Here’s some questions to get you thinking:
What are you wearing?
What kind of friends do you have?
What kind of husband do you have (or wife!)?
What do your kids act like?
What pets do you have?
Do you go to church?
How do you feel throughout your day?
What’s your job?
What does a typical day look like?
What kind of car do you drive?
How do you carry yourself?
Do you workout?
Where do you workout?
What kind of clothes do you wear?
How much money do you make?
Do you have a boat? A plane?
Do you cook?
Do you have a house keeper?
How are you with others around?
What kind of mother do you want to be?
What kind of business owner, or worker, do you want to be?
Painful, or annoying, as it can be, it will also help to think about what you don’t like about yourself. This will help continue to create the best version of you. That’s what I did. I created my affirmations to speak directly into my biggest weaknesses (spoiler: it totally works!).
Also, please add to this list about your dream life. You will think of other things later, add to it! Leave a lot of space in your journal or on your word doc, or on the scrap piece of paper. Don’t you dare throw this away (your future self), because you’ll need it close by. Reading this list every week or so, will help you remember the specifics of what you want in your future. Yes, it seems funny, but we do forget. We sometimes think of one or two big things, but we usually forget the details. That’s why it takes so long to think of the details! We know we want a good life, a meaningful life, a full filled life, but what is that to you?
Is a meaningful life being a stay at home mom and raising your children? Or is it building a kick ass company that provides support for families in need? Both are amazing for different reasons, the choice is completely yours.
Reading your dream life list every week will help you not only remember what you wrote, but the feeling you have when picturing yourself with these things, doing these things, or feeling these feelings. It feels pretty good! Wouldn’t it be nice to have a list of things that make us feel excited about our future?
If you still need some ideas, check out my list:
The best version of me:
energetic
happy, joyful
controls emotions
journals
is fit
strong, confident, independent woman
relaxed
smiles a lot
She goes trail riding because she loves riding her horse through nature
My list, is honestly 5 pages long. And I still add things when I think of them. Even if they’re small. It also helps to write why you want that thing or how it makes you feel, such as in the last bullet on my list. Nothing is too small to dream for.
Also, don’t re-read your list to see if you’ve already listed something. Just list whatever your thinking and wanting. Just list. That is your job. The reason for this is, you’ll be able to quickly notice the things that you really want that you either were conscious or unconscious of. More about this in the next step!
Second, use this list to create your affirmations. How you do it is this:
Read through your dream life list, circle the ones that repeat themselves.
When you’ve listed something multiple times, that’s a huge clue that it’s really important to you, that you really want that thing, to do that thing, or feel that certain way. For example, when I read through my list I noticed I wrote some variation of “being confident” about 4 times. So, each time I saw the word “confident” or it sounded like confidence to me, I circled that bullet.
Make a list of the bullets you circled.
When you do this, you’ll be able to more clearly see which ones are very important. Plus, it’s great way to quickly glance at them while creating your affirmations, because these can change over time too!
Think of how to directly speak into those very important things.
How I did this, was I really thought about how I want to feel and act when I’m my best self. For example, one of the things that is very important to me was feeling confident. After thinking about confidence and the root source for how to feel it, I’ve discovered that it comes down to caring what other people think. Confidence might be one of yours. Think about it. When you care what other people think you want them to think, “wow, she’s so smart, cool, funny, rich, etc, etc.” Fill in the blank. Confidence needs to only be about how you feel about yourself, not based on how others perceive you (or how they potentially perceive you).
Take a look at my example:
What I circled from my “dream life” list (things I noticed I repeatedly wrote down):
Walks confidently
Is confident in all of her skills
Makes decisions confidently
The bullets I made from what I circled:
No caring what others think
How to speak into them:
What can you say to yourself to believe that? To live that? Here’s the affirmations I wrote to get me there:
I am a strong, confident, independent woman
I don’t care what other people think
I am a great speech-language pathologist (SLP) not matter what anyone says or thinks
I am allowed to do what makes me truly happy, despite possible judgement from others
Believe it or not, these actually work. Not right at first. I literally wrote like 30 of them, most of them are something the same thing. But, I wanted to be very specific with myself about how I now feel about a specific thing. For instance, with the examples above, they’re all about feeling more confident. But, just writing “I feel confident” really isn’t enough. You need to put the work, and thoughtfulness, into what you want to be more confident about or with whom. Speak directly into your fears, weaknesses, insecurities, all of it. Tell your brain what you want it to think, how you want to feel, and it will listen. I write down mine everyday. I read through them once a week too, along with my dream life list!
It may feel silly at first, you may feel you don’t have time. It takes 5 minutes to write your list, even shortly to just read it through. Make it part of your routine (that’s the only way it’ll be consistent).
This literally requires no action, other than thinking of what you want to change or thinking of what you want in general. Let’s be real, we already know. We just may not know how to solve it. You are smart. Think about it! Believe you deserve what you want. Love yourself enough to fight for it.
Hopefully, you’re still in this with me. Now, it’s going to come full circle. This is all about loving yourself right? How much you deserve to love yourself? Because yourself is awesome! This all ties in, because it’s easier to love yourself when you believe how great you are. It’s easier to love yourself when you see proof that you’re working on the parts of yourself or your life that you may not like. It’s OK not to love or even like every single thing about yourself (body, emotions, mentally, etc) or your life (your husband, job, where you live). It doesn't make you a bad person or mean that you’re ungrateful. You’re awesome.
Take the time to make those affirmations. Take control and tell yourself how you want to feel and what thoughts you want to think. You’re worth it. You’re awesome (yes, this phrase is in here repeatedly on purpose 😉).
You’ve got this!
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